What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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