I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
3pm strippers are depressing
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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