apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
