Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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