the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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