i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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