I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
