I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
