The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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