I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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