Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
