You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
