Yo dont text me then not text me
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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