I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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