I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
