So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
