I wish I only lived at night.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
