I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
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I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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