I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
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