Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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