nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
