God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
