he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
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Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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