today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
