If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
