I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
