just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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