I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
