if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's official drugs can't kill me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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