if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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