My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
