Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
