Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
