Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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