Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
