Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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