Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
