i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
