i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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