my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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