I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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