Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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