Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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