Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
