i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
