Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sex in the backyard? Check.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
