Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
