Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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