I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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