All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
