You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
