If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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