I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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