So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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